


Unaccounted for

by Fafsernir



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Essek is yearning, Essek realizes he might be feeling feelings, Essek's thoughts during ep 97, M/M, spoilers for ep 97
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:26:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23427718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fafsernir/pseuds/Fafsernir
Summary: Essek's yearning during ep97. That's it, that's the whole point of this fic.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 4
Kudos: 60





	Unaccounted for

**Author's Note:**

> So, I binged campaign 2 in a couple of months and I am in love with one HotBoi. Episode 97 had me wanting to write about him and his thoughts during this amazing episode.

Essek heard the guard announce the Mighty Nein. It didn't help him keep his composure, though. As much as he braced himself, reminded himself that he was someone else, that they weren't supposed to know him, he felt himself grow nervous as soon as he caught a glimpse of Caleb's form on the ship. He hadn't expected to see him so soon, he hadn't expected to see him under that shape. He wanted to greet him, to greet all of them, but he stayed still.

Maybe he tensed a bit. He certainly felt uncomfortable.

He tempted a quick glance at Caduceus and quickly averted his eyes, knowing how insightful the firbolg was. If he stared too long at him, Essek was certain that he would be able to read him as an open book. He would see through him within seconds.

He needed to get out. He needed to leave. He couldn't be near them, couldn't talk to them, they would know and they would kill him or, worse, he would have to kill them. He had kept them at bay for so long, now wasn’t the time.

The plan. He needed to follow the plan. They didn't have to know anything. But… But he wanted to tell them? As strange as it sounded, he wanted to be honest with them. He had hidden the truth for so long with them, he had pushed them to believe slightly modified information for so long, had lead them to bits of information that would never point back to him… and he just wanted to tell everything. As he looked at Caleb, as he listened to the group, he wanted to burst out everything he had been holding back. Everything he had been holding back from them, from… his  _ friends _ .

Because it all came down to this. Years, decades, centuries of research and wanting to know more and not a single second of social interaction for his own pleasure. Centuries of knowing that he wanted to know more, and only a couple of years since he had finally started to find hope and… And no matter how long he had kept it a secret, he now wanted to tell them. He hadn't accounted for them. He sure hadn't accounted for Caleb. Sweet Caleb, with his ambitions and his skills and his magical talent and his intellect and… Essek had never really focused on feelings. He had never had to, because no one had ever made him feel. The Mighty Nein made him see what friends were. He wasn't too bad at it, considering how little he had tried before.

Caleb, on the other hand… Caleb… well, he had swiped him off his feet - and not to float - and made him discover something new and strange. Attraction? Something he didn't feel for Jester. Jester herself was strange, and the friendship he felt towards that odd tiefling sure was unsettling, but he had defined it easily. He hadn't liked to identify it, but at least he had understood. The way he felt about Caleb took him a much longer time to identify, if he even was able to put a name on it. He had never felt it and no one had described it the way he felt it. He felt happier, glad, more relaxed when Caleb was here. He felt worried, tensed and distracted when he wasn't. Well, when he wasn't there and that he was thinking of him. Which seemed to happen a lot, too much for Essek's tastes.

It was easy to make guesses, but they all sounded so far-fetched and surreal for someone like him that he always discarded the thought.

But the spark in Caleb’s eyes, the genuine happiness and emotional investment he had put towards completing that spell, and his concentration during it… The way Essek had worked so easily with him, with both him and Nott… Essek had always worked alone, had always relied on himself, asking for the Assembly’s research on the beacons was already a step he hadn’t expected to take, but that he knew to be necessary. Working along with Caleb and Nott, to just… help them had felt so great and, for the first time, he had felt truly useful and complete, as Caleb had hugged both him and Nott. He had never really been touched before, not for a show of affection, at least. It was odd and unexpected and new, but oddly warm and pleasant.

Essek hadn’t stopped thinking about it. He couldn’t think about anything else but how kind the Mighty Nein was, and how much he seemed to fit with them. It was strange, to say the least, to feel at his place in a group of travellers who spent so many hours together. He would have expected them to be enough for each other, had expected them to not be interested by him, beyond his knowledge of the Dynasty and dunamancy. But they were. They had invited him to their house, had made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside, had shared stories with him, had entrusted him with information… 

So, under the form of someone else, in a city he was not familiar with nor comfortable in, he did everything to avoid them. He averted his eyes, tried to fight back his nervousness, tried not to look at Caleb as much, tried not to think about what exactly it was that he was feeling for Caleb too much, and he did his best to look undisturbed. His conversation with the Martinet informed him that he had been pretty bad at hiding his conflicted feelings, but he only had to avoid them for a couple of days, and at a party, and everything would be fine.

Everything would be fine.

* * *

Essek just wanted to avoid everyone, to not see anyone. He was doing fine, his plan was to stand as far away as possible from the group, and he was sure it would be enough. His disguise wasn’t enough of an interest for them to speak to him, they would be busy with other people, surely. They wouldn’t care about him or anything. He had it.  _ Keep it casual _ , he thought, and wondered why Fjord's voice said it in his head.

He hadn't expected them to arrive like they did. His heart instantly stopped in his chest when he caught a glimpse of Caleb. He looked… he looked clean and hot. Essek didn’t know how else to put it.

He had a new coat, a coat Essek had never seen, a beautiful coat, and he wore it so well, he looked so gorgeous… the others did, too, but Caleb stood out, like he always did in Essek’s eyes.

_ Fuck _ .

He was in love.

It was so simple, but he had avoided the thought for so long that it hit him as if he had never even thought about it. He had mused for hours on end about it, about how he felt for Caleb. He had thought of the word before, had played with it in his mind, had discarded it, had scoffed at it and ignored it. No, he wasn’t. Except that he was.

As Caleb walked into the room, looking as comfortable as he usually did in social situations, his new coat fitting him perfectly, the silver and red lining and details on the cloth beautiful, Essek forgot how to breathe. He literally forgot how to function, his brain stopping to work briefly as a dozen of thoughts went through his head. None were appropriate to the situation, and most involved stripping Caleb of that coat.

His instinct was to float away into the shadows but he fought very hard to walk towards a quiet spot. He was ready to do a lot of wall staring, as soon as he could shake his stare off Caleb.

It took him a long while. He saw the group instantly seem to start getting into trouble and do things they shouldn’t do, and he smiled, this feeling of belonging settling in down in his stomach even if he wasn’t even part of it. He just felt at home, when they were around.

They all looked stunningly gorgeous, outshining anyone in the room as they scattered into different groups. 

Essek spent the evening avoiding them, as well as processing this new information about Caleb. Love. It sounded stupid, now that he was thinking about it. It couldn’t be, they weren’t even… They couldn’t… He couldn’t. No, it wasn’t love. Maybe there was something, sure there was, but it wasn’t anything as futile as love. But why was Caleb different from the other ones?

His intelligence, of course. Not that the others were any dumber than Caleb was, but he had arcane knowledge, he was curious, as curious as Essek, and as hungry as him to discover new spells and to know more. Yes, that was it. Strong feelings towards a fellow scholar. It didn’t have to be love.

And if his brain provided him with a few more scenarios including the coat, he wasn’t to be held responsible for. He was sure plenty of people at the party were having the same thought. Not that he wanted them to have those thoughts, but surely he wasn’t alone.

It was okay. everything was fine. He just needed to hold on for a couple more hours. He would excuse himself after the Ruby of the Sea’s performance. He was pretty sure he wasn’t needed beyond that. He could disappear for a while on a balcony and come back after the Mighty Nein’s departure. Yes. That sounded like a plan. Such a good plan.

As always, the thing he hadn’t accounted for was the Mighty Nein. He hadn’t expected Jester to come sit next to him as the performance started, but at least he could use the excuse of her mother’s performance if he didn’t want to answer.

He hadn’t accounted for Nott slipping a paralysis potion in his drink. But it was okay, he could get away from them, even if it seemed harder and harder, and even if he wondered how much they knew, even if he started to panic at the idea that they definitely knew who he was.

He hadn’t accounted for Caduceus - Caduceus, of all people - to command him to stay put. But he could deal with that, he could still run away, he could still fight Jester’s hold.

He hadn’t accounted for Caleb. As always, the wizard was surprising him. The manacles clasped around his wrists and he felt heavy and weak all at once as the unknown effect of these magical shackles hit him.

_ I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, _ he instantly thought as he felt himself give up. He didn’t have anything else to do, nothing that wouldn’t cause a bigger scene than what was already happening. Nothing that wouldn’t draw bad attention on everyone, and he didn’t want to endanger them even more than he was already doing it.

He stopped struggling, and he followed them. And again, they surprised him. Again, they made him feel… part of them? Why did they have to be like this, why couldn’t they hate him, why weren’t they hating him? Why was Caleb being so tactile, why was he being kind and sparing, why was he putting so much hope into him? He didn’t deserve it, he didn’t deserve people to hope in him, but yet Caleb did, the Mighty Nein did. He had betrayed them, and he could feel the harsh and judging looks of both Yasha and Beauregard, but Jester was as sweet as usual, Nott - no, Veth, they had done it, they had succeeded - was telling him he was just another member of the Mighty Nein, as if it was nothing big, and Caleb, Caleb was kissing his forehead and telling him he could change, telling him he could be better.

Telling him everything he refused to see.

He had sealed the quiet war which had been going on between the Dynasty and the Empire, and he didn’t care that any won. He was hungry for knowledge.

He had thought about the innocent lives which had perished, before, but the group’s words hit him more than any thoughts had. He felt tired, tired to pretend, tired to always put on a mask, with the Dynasty, with the Assembly, with everyone. Everyone but the Mighty Nein. Even after finding his best kept secret, and his darkest one, they were showing support and were not looking to kill him.

Essek was grateful. He was glad that the Mighty Nein was the only thing he could have never have expected, could have never taken into account.

It didn’t change the way he viewed his research, he knew they were important and he wanted to pursue them, but they were changing him. And it felt unnatural and unsettling, but maybe it wasn’t a bad thing. Maybe unexpected things, unexpected meetings and feelings weren’t such a negative thing. 


End file.
